MBN/Newsvideoweb Wire Service MBN/Newsvideoweb in 3D



“How are feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Thank you I appreciate that. It’s good to be back we have a whole week of funny shows. Hey guys, huge international news, you guys. Kim Jong Il – you know, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us? – well, he passed away over the weekend. And get this -- his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy – he’s got some BIG women’s sunglasses to fill.”
“Hey guys, tomorrow is the first night of Hanukkah, and the White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah – then Biden made a wish and blew it out. (‘Somebody keep him away.’)”
“And this is nice. President Obama and his family just released their official Christmas Card, which features their dog Bo in front of a fireplace. Of course, when the Chinese president got his, he didn't think it was a card - he thought it was a take-out menu.”
“Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, ‘You’re welcome.’ (‘I won’t be needing that. That’s the end of that.’)”
“I read about a 94-year-old woman who recently died, and left 13 million dollars to her pet cat. You should have seen the cat's face when he heard – it was like, (EMOTIONLESS, LICK PAW.)”
“This is weird. A man in Israel recently changed his name to Mark Zuckerberg. Which explains that guy’s new website, ‘Facebuchhhas.’ ‘Hey what did you write on my wailing wall?’ ‘There is no ‘like’ button, there’s an ‘eh’ button. Eh.’”
“Hey, this is pretty interesting. Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags. (‘It was just sweet…’)”
“And finally, a man in Washington known as the ‘Fast Food Bandit’ was just arrested for robbing 12 Subway restaurants. But the good news is, when he gets to prison, they’ll be offering unlimited footlongs.”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited, you guys! It’s gonna be such a huge show – tonight we have Tom Cruise on the show! And tech expert Josh Topolsky! Yeah, you heard it right, ladies—tech expert Josh Topolsky.”
“Hey, did you see this? Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it ‘Billy,’ then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, (WIPE HANDS) ‘Anyone else wanna complain about the new Facebook Timeline?’”
“That’s right, Mark Zuckerberg killed a bison and mounted its head on the wall. Which explains why today, all my Farmville animals migrated to Friendster.”
“Get this. According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was ‘whatever.’ Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.”
“I just read this. In honor of Christmas, a town in the UK held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be RIGHT when my Grandma was crossing the street.”
“That’s right, there was a reindeer race on Friday. The runners included Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and the winner of the race—Mutumbe, the reindeer from Kenya.”
“And finally, I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice – the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song, ‘The 12 Days of Marriage.’”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Christmas is just around the corner, and everyone’s traveling for the holidays. So get this -- yesterday TSA workers sang ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ for passengers at LAX. And I thought this is cool – for JetBlue passengers, they sang ‘I Believe I Can Fly Six Hours Later Than I Was Supposed To.’”
“The TSA workers also sang ‘Deck the Halls’ -- not to be confused with their normal song, ‘Check the Balls.’”
“Hey, here’s an election update. In a new interview, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he advised Mitt Romney to be ‘edgier and bolder.’ Or as Romney put it, (REBELLIOUS) ‘Goodbye black socks, hello blue socks.’”
“Some sports news. The NCAA announced that Ohio State will be banned from bowl games for a year because of a bribery scandal involving players. Then Penn State was like, ‘Wait, but WE’RE still okay??’”
“Hey listen to this. I heard that Jay-Z and Kanye West were paid three million dollars each to perform at a sweet 16 party in Dubai. Well, I don’t want to brag, but when I was 16…I had my birthday at (COCKY) ‘The Ground Round.’”
“Some celebrity news. This week, Chaz Bono announced that he split up with his longtime girlfriend after six years together. Yeah, it’s a classic case of girl meets girl, girl becomes boy, then other girl who stayed a girl leaves boy slash ex-girl.”
“And finally, a man in Connecticut proposed to his girlfriend by spelling out the words ‘Will you marry me” in Christmas lights. It was a little awkward – before she could answer, the guy’s neighbor Bill was like, ‘YES! A thousand times, yes!’”
“Hey guys! Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon everybody! Christmas is almost here, you guys! I’m excited! And this nice is—yesterday President Obama bought about 200 dollars worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.”
“The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game ‘Just Dance’ for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words – the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia.”
“I just saw this. A recent survey found that 40 percent of parents tell their kids Santa isn’t real after they turn eight years old. (WORRIED) While the rest aren't total liars – right, Mom and Dad??”
“Speaking of Christmas, this is interesting…A new study found that Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones they are overweight. On the other hand, no it’s not.”
“In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words ‘beautiful, smart, and funny.’ When asked how he picked those, he used the words, ‘she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me.’”
“Speaking of Michelle Obama, A Wisconsin congressman is facing criticism after saying that Michelle Obama has a quote ‘large posterior.’ Though Michelle took it as a compliment when she heard the guy's name: Congressman Mix-a-Lot.”
“And finally you guys, I heard that a White Castle in Indiana has actually started selling wine and beer. Really? You don’t go to White Castle and get wasted – you get wasted and then go to White Castle.”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, I can’t believe this is our final show of 2011. And on a serious note, I don’t write these jokes by myself. So I want to thank the people who make them possible - Charlie Sheen, the Kardashians, Herman Cain, and Anthony Weiner.”
“Here’s an election update. Yesterday in New Hampshire, Mitt Romney spent an hour knocking on doors, trying to meet with voters. While Rick Perry spent an hour knocking on doors, trying to remember which house was his.”
“Hey, Happy Birthday to Ryan Seacrest, who turns 37 years old this weekend! His party was kind of annoying – he was like ‘We’ll find out what people gave me – (POINT TO CAMERA) right after the cake.’”
“Check this out. This week, a man in Indiana was arrested for robbing a bank with a hot glue gun. It wasn’t that scary – he was like, ‘Nobody move! Or I’ll…plug in this glue gun, wait for it to heat up, and then, I don’t know—you know what, just arrest me. What am I doing this is silly.’”
“This is interesting. It turns out that 80 percent of all fake Christmas trees are made in China. Yeah, it’s a little weird when kids in China all gather ‘round the tree…to finish making the tree.”
“And finally, did you guys hear this? Kobe Bryant’s wife says he cheated on her with 105 women during their marriage. Which means after 104 women, she was like, ‘Okay, NOW this is getting inappropriate.’”

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